Having set through more than a few sessions of listening to someone attempt to resolve a conflict with someone else, one significant thing i have noticed more often than not, was both people displayed an amazingly distinct lack of listening. We seem to be so involved with ourselves, what we’re going to say and do, that we can’t hear the other person. In fact, it is a pleasant rarity to meet someone who not only listens, but can actually summarize back to you what you said. You know, it’s very hard to hear your neighbor, when you’re always moving your mouth.
i believe part of the general world anxiety level, which i think is very, very high, is that most folks don’t feel heard, we feel small, invisible, invalidated, and unnecessary, suffering from a generalized feeling of abandonment. i really do believe much of our anxiety could actually be impacted if most of us just put some effort into learning to listen. But, in the middle of conflict, our attitude is, “Who wants to listen to them, especially when THEY are so wrong?”, all said with capital letters, highlighted punctuation, and a little too loud and emphatic.
Maybe it would help if we had a better understanding of what it means to listen, which means >> to “broaden the ear, hear intelligently, to prick up your ears and pay attention”. Do you see it? It’s more than just perceiving words, but about making an effort to understand the other person and what they mean. Don’t just hear words, but listen for the heart in it all.
At that, i thought i’d cover four basic points of how and where to begin in becoming a good listener.
#1 – Listen in an active manner. Pay attention. Be in the room. Nobody wants to talk to a corpse, so learn to do these three things: Paraphrase, clarify, and give feedback. That’s really important, so hear it is again: paraphrase, clarify, and give feedback. Paraphrasing helps you understand correctly. Clarifying is asking questions until you fully understand what the other person means. Feedback is sharing your own thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental way…and, looky here man, you can’t add “you’re such an idiot” at the end and still hope for a positive outcome. Yes, i know, maybe it’s true, but it simply doesn’t need to be said, that is if you really do want to resolve the conflict… you’ll have to search your own heart to know that.
#2 – Listen with empathy. Try to imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes… Understand your neighbor’s problem without joining them in their conflict. Did you get that? Without joining them in their conflict. You may not like what’s being said, but often, as you listen, you may realize that if you were in their shoes you might feel that way too. Rom12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep”. Remember, no one said we have to agree, but consider, God listens to us in all our madness, true, but it doesn’t mean He agrees.
#3 – Listen with openness. Selective listening, defensive listening, and filtered listening are not open listening. Listen as though you were an anthropologist and the person were from another planet; their customs, beliefs and way of thinking are different from yours, and you’re trying to understand them. Again, by no means do we have to go along with their perspective, but we certainly can hear about their dilemma without joining them in it.
(4) Listen with awareness. Does what they are saying line up with the facts? Meaning we, as the listener must have done our homework to at least have an idea of the facts, and consider… just because you have the facts is that the truth. Facts are not always the complete story. If you’ve listened actively, empathetically and openly, and still don’t understand their point of view, you don’t have to attack. Go after the problem not the person! Ridiculing, humiliating, and deliberately provoking the other person does not resolve the conflict, but more embeds the conflict… those actions don’t win anything, it just makes you look like you only want to win and who cares what is right. Take a breath, relax, wait, and gather more information.
The idea is be engaging instead of off-putting. Instead of violently rejecting the other person, possibly you could ask, “Could you tell me a bit more?” or “Could you give me a specific example?” Or you might say, “Thank you for letting me know your perspective. I’ll think about it.” Or, “That’s interesting, I hadn’t considered it in that light.”
God listens to us and hears us, and let us practice to be like the Lord. The art of listening is a Christ-like skill we must develop! Many hear, but few really listen, and that can be changed.
Thank you for reading, i’m social porter with Living in His Name Ministries.