Aw yea, indeed a beautiful evening, another day coming to a close. The sun has made it’s way to the horizon and daylight wains to darkness, the stars are coming out, shining and singing, on their usual course across the night sky.
I’m Social Porter and this is Outposts. In a world of changing morals, mobile boundaries, and elusive standards, we breathe life through “theatre of the mind” at a beautiful cafe at the end of Old Field Road…it’s a radio-styled program of cool jazz and contemplative conversation, touching the issues of everyday life, where the rubber meets the road.
If i’m not mistaken the last topic was about Peacemakers, those who do more than just keep the peace, but actually step into the fray and make peace with themselves and others. There is a difference, you know, between keeping the peace and making peace. Peace keeping says, “Sit down and shut up!”, and peace making does the tedious work of conflict resolution.
At this juncture, let me add, among a few other things, i figure there are two subtle but significant constants in life, waiting and conflict. We spend the majority of our lives waiting, and there is always a never ending opportunity for conflict, in one form or another. Seeing as how having to wait and dealing with conflict are such a constant in all of our lives, you’d think we’d be better at it. Amazingly though, we are not.
Our topic is conflict, do we submit and resent, rebel and persecute, or choose to step into the fray and resolve things, if at all possible? There’s just too many stones being left unturned and as a result conflict persists in our lives. Even if left to ourselves, we are conflicted by opposing ideologies banging around in our heads. To me, it seems … odd that many churches want to advance the gospel, but typically don’t offer much on how to deal with conflict. Friends, any time people gather in groups, there will come conflict, and i guarantee, eventually, somebody is going to have a conflict about something with someone else. Should we do what we usually do, just say nothing and let it ride, hoping the issues will just magically go away? Probably not the best approach i’d say. The clash among people doesn’t actually just go away, it simply morph’s into something else, only to rear it’s ugly head later on. i believe we spend a lot of time teaching nice principles and only uplifting doctrines from scripture, cycling through our “go to” Bible verses, looking for one to make us feel better about, um, something ‘er other, but we spend almost no time learning to resolve conflict, in a setting where struggle, strife, and rivalry is so at the forefront of issues which need to be dealt with.
Let’s think about 1 Samuel 22:1-2. “David left Gath and escaped to the cave of Adullam. When his brothers and his father’s household heard about it, they went down to him there. All those who were in distress or in debt or discontented gathered around him, and he became their leader. About four hundred men were with him.”
i see the entire cave of Adullam experience as a defining moment for several issues. Jewish history has it that the cave of Adullam, near the city of Adullam, wasn’t far from where David defeated Goliath, it is near where Moses saw the glory of God, and historically it is the same cave where God spoke to Elijah, so it was a pretty important place.
Because of Saul’s desire to put a spear into David, the songbird of Israel took off and hid in a cave. David was conflicted, and Saul was very conflicted. i think something else that was interesting is that David seemed to have a knack of drawing to himself others who were distraught, discouraged, and dissatisfied (that is the three d’s there, did you catch that? Distraught, discouraged, and dissatisfied, and it would appear all those who joined David in that cave were in the throe’s of the three d’s in some fashion or another. They were all conflicted, with no apparent means of resolve. They were all on the run, they were all in hiding, and they were doing their best to out distance the conflict which pursued them. Whatever the problems were with each of those in the cave of Adullam, their difficulties were great enough they were driven out of where they were. How is it they all seemed to end up in the same place about the same time? Was it God’s doing, directing their paths whether they knew Him or not?
Psalm 35:11-12 says “Ruthless witnesses come forward; they question me on things I know nothing about. They repay me evil for good and leave my soul forlorn.” This scripture is the crux of our modern society political system. Conflict is on our door step and we can’t out run it.
When people embellish the truth and make sure others hear of it, it is ruthlessness seeking to set a bias for a hidden agenda, personal conflict then becomes the focus, and they discredit anyone who might oppose them. I am amazed at the people who don’t like the way you talk and they just feel it is of the utmost importance to make sure you know THEY don’t approve. I think that’s bizarre. They leave their bitter words at our feet, and then abandon us to deal with the damage in their wake, isolated and cast off. Leviticus 19:16 says we should never go around being a slanderer of others. That word “slanderer” there means a scandal-monger, as in someone who loves the chaos of conflict, and causes others to be seen as unbelievable. Being a tyrannical and terrorizing witness, interrogating others in such a way so as to make them admit to things they, in truth, know nothing about, casting shadows on justice. God says it is wrong. He likens it to standing up against the life of your neighbor, and it happens all the time in our justice system, and actually, i think this behavior is generally promoted in our country these days.
Have you ever felt that way? If anyone says ‘no’, i certainly would challenge the honesty of the reply. Conflict is all around us, and avoiding it is impossible. I don’t believe we are so naïve that we somehow believe that avoiding conflict is possible, so let us, the Body of Christ, embrace conflict and begin learning to resolve our differences instead of pretending a smile, making a face, and breaking off our relationships. Going away is not an answer unless it’s under extreme circumstances with no other option.
As in 1 Samuel 22, David’s conflict had become a crisis, but unlike David, our conflicts don’t have to become a deadlocked dilemma. Many serious issues can be prevented by simple early attention. i believe managing a potential conflict long before it’s a crisis is a great investment of time and energy, do you know what i mean? But many times we just let things fester until they are gale force winds of conflict, then we fly into action with a knee jerk reaction and none of it had to be that way had we dealt with things before they got wound up tight as a clock spring.
Maybe, instead of seeing conflict as a good reason to go somewhere else, we should be brave and have those challenging conversations as an opportunity for a deeper association with others. Before you run off make sure you’ve done all you can do to stay connected. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with everyone. And yes i’m speaking to all the “church surfers” out there, and those who desperately want deep relationships, but find it too scary to disclose enough of themselves to actually make it happen. Is that you? Maybe it’s me. But surely it is us.
In light of the conflicted David, his “mighty men of valor” and their crisis with Saul, what did they do about it? Oh don’t you know, enduring looong running conflict without resolve, well, that sort of pressure tends to warp your head around over time. They couldn’t run fast enough to get away; they couldn’t find a cave deep enough, a ditch long enough, or a country far enough. David needed a different outcome, so, by God’s guidance and power, David did something other than run, he turned and embraced the conflict; he began to turn his problems into possibilities, and to me, he came up with some creative responses. Like in 1 Samuel 24:2-3, when Saul was chasing David and his men near the Crags of the Wild Goats, Saul went into a cave to relieve himself, little did he know that David and his gang of desperate men were pressed far back in the cave.
David’s rough crew wanted to kill Saul right there when the King was so very vulnerable. They figured if they got rid of Saul, then their conflict and crisis would end. Isn’t that what we do? “Let’s get rid of so-and-so, then our problems will be over.” “Let’s get rid of this-n-that, then, yes THEN our problems will be over.” But shortly, we are conflicted and in a crisis all over again. The problem isn’t outside us but inside us. In David’s case though, he knew better and said, in so many words, “No way guys, we’re not doing that! We’ll do this God’s way or no way at all!” David needed a different outcome, so he employed a different approach. 1 Samuel 24:7-8 “ ….And Saul left the cave and went his way. Then David went out of the cave and called out to Saul, “My lord the king!” When Saul looked behind him, David bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the ground.” i bet Saul was quite embarrassed and humiliated to find out a whole gang of people were watching him relieve his bowels, and even though they had the chance to kill him they practiced self control. After that, David took the opportunity to plead his case to Saul in an effort to resolve the conflict as best he could. He played down his judgment and criticism, restraining his inclination to cast shadows on Saul.
How many of us, sitting out there listening to this, need a different outcome from the one we usually get when things get a bit testy in our relationships?
i think quite a few people prefer a large body of believers, not just because there is a greater opportunity for fellowship, but also because it is easier to control how close we get to others and how much of ourselves we reveal. In a small body of believers, there grows a much more profitable relationship … it’s closer, but it requires persistent diligence, humility, and grace. In large bodies we don’t have to be particularly responsible or accountable, and if anyone challenges us and our behavior, well, this is America, we just move on to the next place. More than a few pastors have expressed deep concerns over the fact that most of their congregation is comprised of sheep from another pasture.
Friends, when we run from the problem, we run from God’s promises, and when we run from God’s process, we run from the blessings. There are people who have encountered conflict, and rather than deal with it, they set themselves above and apart, maintain they are right so as to make the other person wrong, and then, they just move to another pasture. My friends, we are conflicted and we need to begin to learn to deal with our conflicts and resolve our differences.
Are you thinking about how things ought to be, instead of how things are? In the mind of many people, it’s usually the “other person” with the problem and we are somehow innocent and above it all. Rather than aiming our finger at the other party, let’s think about what our part is in the situation. Are we honest about ourselves? Do we strongly hold to our idea of “how things should be”? How people should behave? What ought to happen? Are you constantly judging if someone is being polite or rude, or having a personal opinion of what is right vs. what is wrong? We can get totally lost in our focus on everything wrong with anything and never get anywhere. Do you realize how many people there are who seem obsessed with what’s wrong with the church and rarely get around to being devoted to what is right with God? Conflicted i tell ya’, conflicted!
Do we hold ourselves to an impossible standard saying, “I’ve got to get this right, because if I can’t, I’d better not even try.” If we do that we’ll just turn into Eeyore and go stand in the rain some place.
Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
i’d like to point out we all need rest, and faith in Christ brings us much needed rest, but it does not absolve us of dealing with our conflicts with others, nor does running off to another pasture remove the conflict, it only delays our dealing with it all. Some important words in that last scripture are “take my yoke upon you and learn from me”. i’d like to share this basic wisdom which God has planted in my heart: resolving my conflicts starts with me, not with them, but with me. If i want others to be different, then i must be different, if i want a different outcome i must begin with a different approach, being consistent and repeatable, and do it and do it and do it until the conflict in my sphere of influence begins to turn around.
Everyone has dreams and they imagine the way life might be. Of course we do, and we’d be foolish to not admit it. We were born to dream and imagine, so it’s not a fault we need to fix. But, does the movie in our head actually match the real-life situation? There are two lives going on with us. There’s the life inside our head and the life outside our head and we’ve got to make adjustments in order for the two to get along. When the life inside doesn’t get along with the life outside, when our conscience and our character are at odds, we are conflicted and need some resolution in order to live at peace with ourselves and others.
Jesus did not run from the conflicts around Him, oh boy, and He was seriously surrounded by conflict. Not only did He not allow Himself to get swallowed up by the world around Him, He chose to embrace the conflict, and respond with the appropriate assertiveness. i said, “appropriate assertiveness”.
Listen, you who are so easily offended: Jesus didn’t practice a defense because He didn’t carry an offense. What’s with all the defensiveness these days? i say there’s multiple offenses underneath driving the need to be defensive. And oh, how easily we all get offended, wow.
If we want to reduce some of our conflicts, lets open doors not close them, and i’m not talking about having good boundaries for there certainly are people who are not good for us and it is wise to created distance. i’m talking about when conflict knocks on our door (and it surely will), let’s learn to ask ourselves some really relative questions like: How can i move this forward? Do we dwell on how unfair someone was, playing the situation over and over in our minds? Ask yourself, can i improve the situation without demeaning myself? <<<SAY THAT AGAIN —Is the issue about what i imagine, do i have the facts, have i listened and understood the other person? What is this r-e-a-l-l-y about? How else could i see this? Now, i’ve got to say though, asking those questions and getting some answers is a real discipline, so it may take practice in order to entertain such self-inquisition. Be strong and courageous.
Friends, if we withdraw and then go silent, giving someone the “silent treatment”, is anything resolved? The silent treatment is an exercise in pain about who can care less, the most, the longest?. <<<SAY IT AGAIN— It should be no skin off anyone’s nose to listen and understand the other person. No one said we have to agree, but we can certainly listen, right? i believe Jesus was an active listener and he participated in the conversations with the disciples. He asked them questions as they asked him questions, He invited them into the conversation rather than just telling them answers. It was personal and relational, as God has been with the entire universe since the beginning, personal and relational. Jesus is our example of how we should live, act, and have our being; He is our example of how to live out our conduct, character, and conversation.
Conflict … ahhh, what a difficult topic. Re-thinking pain and how we deal with it can be trying, to say the least, especially when we’re the ones in pain, and ignoring it all doesn’t make it go away, in fact, if we ignore our pain, check it out, this is important…if we ignore our pain, it simply becomes triggers. Here is a sticky statement: undealt with pain today, becomes tomorrows trigger points.
i think the following is a good question, What do you do when the other person is screaming at you? Maybe just emotionally screaming, you know, some people are very emotionally loud but yet speak softly. You might feel shame that someone would dare speak to you like that, or maybe anger at yourself for feeling stupid and even being there, but never the less, there you are, getting slammed, and it seems like nobody cares. In fact, the look on their faces, sometimes, is as if other people seem to think you deserve getting yelled at. How do you act? Do you retaliate, or scream back? Gosh, that really solved things, huh? Do you remain calm and choose to engage rather than be driven by the volume of the conflict? Maybe we just smile, back away slowly, and say to ourselves “I’ll never go there again”. Yea, we’ve all done that one.
How many times in our lives have we decided, “I’ll never go there again”? Did … not going, where ever “there” was, actually resolve anything, or did the conflict follow us around, staring at us, begging to be resolved? And if we think unresolved conflict won’t follow us, uh-huh, just give it time. Hear me on this: God WILL get our attention. It’s sort of like taking a job, the boss brings up some places you need to improve. You get offended and quit. If you’ve had three or four jobs in a short time span, who is the common denominator? Maybe it’s not the job, ya’ know, maybe it’s you and the Lord is talking to you about you. He does that you know. It’s nice and makes us appear all composed when we quote the Bible and be all spiritual, but if we really, really want to know the Lord and want more from our walk, we’re going to have to quit hiding and resolve our internal conflicts.
How many of us peg the meter between worry and indifference? We think to ourselves, we’re supposed to be trusting God but yet we find ourselves worrying. To escape the weight and burden of worry, and worry does have crushing weight, we flop over to being indifferent. “Fine! i don’t care!” we say to ourselves. But before long we’re feeling guilty about being indifferent because we know God is never indifferent, we’re supposed to be a light on a hill to the world, but yet here we are being indifferent. To escape the guilt of feeling indifferent we try to press forward, quote some scripture, and tell ourselves we’re trusting God again, maybe run down our prayer list of the “scripture of the day” to find a way to bail us out of some very challenging emotions. But, it’s not long before that worry starts c-r-e-e-p-i-n-g back in, and shortly we’re pegging the meter under the weight of worry again. Back and forth, slamming back and forth. What’s really going on there? What i’ve illuminated is a conflict that is common among people in general, and i believe the Lord is the only one who can leads us to resolving the conflict.
And now for Jesus. He is the highest peacemaker in history. From the Garden of Eden, there came a conflict between God and man. God knowing the end from the beginning resolved, from the beginning within Himself, to give to us the ultimate gift to resolve our conflicted souls if we’ll simply embrace Him. This is the truth, Jesus is our example about how to deal with conflict.
Criticizing, casting shadows or slander on others, name-calling, self-elevating arrogant declarations, and passing out ultimatums are poor options which block resolve >>> and feed conflict. We often re-write our story in our minds to make it something other than what it is so we don’t have to deal with life. If we want a different outcome, we’ve got to initiate a different approach.
We are the Body of Christ and i believe God wants us to be experts in dealing with conflict. He gave to us Jesus, who bled and died for us, in order that we would be free and no longer need to be slaves to sin. Let us open doors, not close them, and quit all that running away. Behold the Lord stands at our door and knocks, and anyone who opens to Him, He will come in to us and eat with us, bringing with Him Love, Grace, Peace, and the power to change, and change we must for we can not continue as we were. God has changed direction and we must change with Him. Oh and saying, “That’s just the way i am”, man, that’s a terrible answer. Think about it.
i want to be a warrior with an open heart. i want to be an influencer like Samuel and ultimately Jesus. Let us be an influencer not a manipulator. We need a different outcome so we’ve got to let God teach us a different approach. Here’s another sticky statement: A manipulator works for the outcome to favor themselves at the expense of others; an influencer works for the outcome to favor the other party as well as the influencer, as in John 3:16, “God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that who so ever would believe on Him, shall not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16 is a win/win solution to our conflict; it’s good for God and it’s good for us! That is ultimate peacemaking.
i’m Social Porter…thanks for joining me this evening here at Outposts, an engaging and cheerful cafe at the end of Old Field Road, which overlooks the late evening cascading banks of the Ockluhwahhah River.
All music was by The Hadouk, Frank, Chick, and Lyle. All music use is licensed by BMI.
This evenings topic has been brought to you by Living In His Name Ministries, Area 22 Guitars, The Whistle Stop Cafe on McCrackin St., Ruth Orginals out Chimney Rock Highway, and Trinity Bakers, where there’s always something good in the oven.
As you go your way this week, ask God for wisdom to go forward, be honest, get low, be transparent and authentic, opening doors not shutting them. Until we meet again, be strong and courageous, amen!
