Ever been in a relationship with someone where you felt if a new model came along, they’d gladly trade you in for a new one? I often hear from married couples how one partner or the other thinks and feels their spouse doesn’t have their backs. If they haven’t accomplished the task of leaving their father and mother and holding fast to each other, that especially stands out to me.

This whole thought about obligation to someone verses being obligated by someone is central to the My Gain–Your Pain game. The person playing this game makes sure the rule of obligating others to them instead of being obligated to others stays on course to get the win. They must be the “main man,” they n-e-e-e-d to win at all costs.

i met a man at jail who had been incarcerated on 40, or more, counts of burglary, pick-pocketing, breaking and entering, along with selling stolen goods. He was a nice guy, or at least he seemed so, yet was so over-confident it was just in-your-face arrogance. He was grotesquely swollen with hubris. He told me, with a smile, how he’d gotten into people’s houses, jimmied locks, lifted wallets right out of people’s pockets, all without the anyone knowing he had been there and stolen their stuff, or knowing their wallets had just be stolen. He seemed proud of his achievements. i asked him what he thought was at the core of his infamous career of thievery. He said he thought it was the feeling of being smart, what he meant was “not just smart but smarter than you because you are so stupid”. Yea, he left off that part. Then he asked me what i thought it was. Ok, he asked. i said “arrogance”. He asked how so? i said, “i bet you think you’re soooo slick, you could steal the glasses off my face and i wouldn’t even know they’re gone.” He laughed and said “You’re right. i do.” i said, “There you go, case in point.”, and his face fell at the realization he’d been caught. He loved having leverage over others, obligating them to himself, in a way which made them think they “owed him, big time.” He had no concern for the pain of loss he caused other people. He found the thrill untameably exhilarating, and thrilled at his being able to lie so well nobody could catch him being intoxicated at his ability to manipulate others. He was willing to do whatever it took in order to get the con over on others. It was a classic case of “run, run, fast as you can, you can’t catch me i’m the gingerbread man. My gain, your pain.”

Whatever this game player does is reckless. They’ll do dangerous things even if they know others could be hurt. They know how not to do things and pull on people who will do what they won’t do. i have read that the best con job is when someone presents a problem, then waits for the other person to offer to resolve their problem. That way the con man can say “I never asked for your help. You offered and i took you up on it. It’s not my fault things didn’t go well for you.”

Here’s how children play the game with their parents. “Dad, is it alright if I stay overnight with my best friend?” Dad says “No.” Then the child starts acting like they’ve been victimized by the parent, maybe even traumatized at being denied their request. “You just don’t want me to have a life!” Come to find out, that overnight deal was already established by the child and their best friend as a sure thing, but dad got in the way of their goal. The result? The parent gets the pain. If permission isn’t granted the kid is out of there with an egotistical bitterness that says if I can’t go, then you can’t be happy either. Pretty exciting stuff huh?

Jesus never played that game. When it came to being responsible even if it was unexciting and unsatisfying, He was committed to the relationship for the long haul.

Out of love, he actually obligated himself to us. It was His pain-our gain; a risk on His part, because He couldn’t guarantee He’d be loved back. No one controlled or victimized Him. He was in control of his choice.

In minding the gap for a My Gain-Your Pain game, what thoughts would you share about obligating ourselves to people instead of obligating them to us?

This was written by Jerry Price

Thank you for listening, i’m Social Porter for Living In His Name Ministries.