Over many years of trying to think of “Who am i in the Kingdom of God and what do i do,” after personally interviewing many, many people, i’ve come to the conclusion that most of us really don’t know how to describe ourselves, nor do we know much about what we do.

It was mentioned in the last program that because most of us can’t quite place ourselves in a “church recognized and religiously sanctioned” function, somehow we think we are less, do you know what i mean? It bears saying again, just because you have a different calling doesn’t mean you have a lesser calling.

One day about 8 years ago, i was sitting with a friend, both being between appointments, eating our lunch and revelating a bit. He asked me, “Who do you think you are in the Kingdom of God?” Instantly, through my mind went a string of rebukes, commands to “don’t even go there!, “stop thinking these things!”, and a strong sense that if i answered in a positive manner i would be proud and arrogant, and you know, “pride goes before a fall“, watch out! Be careful! Just – Don’t! My heart was filled with such conflict i couldn’t hardly answer. He noticed my sputtering and halting so he encouraged me again, “Ok, all possibilities of pride and arrogance aside, ‘cause i know your heart, just put it out there come hell or high water. Who do you think you are in the Kingdom and what do you do?” Ugh! Man this was hard. i continued to sputter and pop and really avoid any sort of coherent reply. He asked, “Well, do you think you’re an apostle?” i nearly hissed at him that he would even suggest such an elevated position! i said in a beggarly voice while staring at the floor, “The Lord has used me to plant more than a few things which are still going, but no, i don’t think i’m that person.” In my head were visions of overly large heroes of the faith with a little bitty stick figure of myself standing next to them. Nope, i didn’t measure up. He asked, “Do you think you’re a prophet?” i sputtered and popped, terrified to answer, now turning my head completely away from him to stare out the window, but, again in a low, beggarly voice i said, “The Lord has given me a prophetic gift that works when i wish it wouldn’t and doesn’t work when i wish it would, but i, but … well, ‘er, ummm, you know…”, and my voice trailed off into silence. In my mind loomed other large heroes of the faith and an even smaller, itty bitty, three fingered, googley eyed stick figure of myself next to them. Nope, didn’t measure up again. This went on and on, we were obviously not getting anywhere because i didn’t see myself fitting any of the “church sanctioned” commonly accepted titles or recognized “Kingdom models” of identity. In my vision i only saw myself as an itty bitty, three fingered, googley eyed stick figure stick figure.

Then he said, mercifully, “Let’s turn it around then, who do you think you’re NOT?” Immediately, i had my hands on stacks of data i had gathered, and out of my mouth i heard myself say, “Oh, that’s easy, i know a lot about who i’m not.” BAM! In the brilliant NOW of the moment i said those words, the Lord posed me a very piercing question, He said, “How is it you know so much about what you don’t, and can’t, and won’t, and so little about what you do, and can, and will. How is it you know so little about who I say you are?”

i was so afraid of believing who God said i was. My worth was so desperately tied up in the approval and opinions of others, i was paralyzed and breathless that others might not agree with what i saw of myself and publicly embarrass me. i was afraid of failing to actually live up to someone’s expectation of who i presented myself to be. Get it? Not God’s expectations but other people’s expectations. i was afraid of appearing arrogant, and don’t you know there’s always going to be someone who feels it’s their calling to make sure you know how small you are. i was afraid that what i saw of myself was actually just a lie i’d told myself because i needed to be “somebody” really bad. i was afraid i didn’t fit the church-sanctioned role of what a spiritual gift was, making who i saw myself as, invalid, again. i was afraid i wouldn’t be squeaky clean enough, therefore i wouldn’t be seen as truly sanctified by the “powers of authority” in my church family. Afraid is the common word in all of that, therefore i did nothing and saw myself as nothing, doing nothing, and going nowhere, which was the safest place it seemed, yet somehow i still had a burning desire to be used of the Lord and to know Jesus. Can you say “cognitive dissonance”?