Hey now. i want to talk to you for a minute. We men seem to often have a really tangled idea in our heads about our wives. As if you couldn’t have guessed, this is mostly directed to men, but if anyone else is listening, please continue. If you are married or have a girlfriend, this program is directed at you, and myself, of course.

Instead of seeing yourself as the king, as the “head of your house”, as if you are someone to be served because you are, “the man”, we really need to start seeing ourselves as God sees us, as the husbands we are. Ephesians 5:25, Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”.  The Lord is our example, and i feel certain His desire is that we would act as He does. God never shoves or deceives us like some bully, and your wife is no one to push around and manipulate either. Think of yourself as a frame and she’s the picture. The job of a frame is to give definition to the boundaries of the picture, and i don’t mean boundaries in the sense of the ones you set for her, so much so that she can’t even put pictures of your kids on FB, or else you will relentlessly emotionally hold her in contempt. Who do you think you are to think you can control someone like that? In secret, you don’t control yourself like that, yet you’re OK with making the effort to control her like that. And i realize she does this and she does that, but this isn’t about her, it’s about you. Regardless of where she is, the question is, where are you?

Your wife is someone to guard closely and retain a watch over, someone to hedge around, protect and attend, attend meaning to nurture, like someone growing a garden, not hang her out to dry when you are displeased. Again, she is like a garden. We should cause her to prosper, prune, get the bugs off, and fertilize, causing her to be fruitful. Not “fence in and prevent”, but “cause to prosper and be fruitful.” Oh, i get it. Some of us men think her job is to please us and she should fear us if we are displeased. It’s not all about you. Jesus died for your sins and designated you to be the head of your household for teaching, defining by your right actions, with kind honesty, and tender transparency. Honest, accountable, transparent, and emotionally available. Adam, regardless of any unknown reasons, when God came around calling for them in the garden, what did Adam do? He said, “It was the woman you gave me.” He threw Eve under the bus as the reason for his own actions. “It was Eve’s fault” huh? That’s victim thinking. And i believe many are still throwing Eve under the bus too! We men make rules for them we, ourselves, aren’t willing to keep. That’s a bit hypocritical, don’t you think?

Sure, i realize some women are difficult, just like some men, they’re all just people. But, what if she feels isolated and alone because you don’t talk to her, and because you control and even tell her where she can go and who she can talk to? You KNOW she thrives on communications and dreams of right authority. She’s the one who came to the table with dreams of “the one”, and most men seem to have a dream of “this one” and “that one”. You restrict so much of what’s going on with her, and act more like a jailer than a husband who cultivates a garden. Well, let me ask you, what is it about her that scares you so much? Are you afraid she’ll have an idea before you do, and then you won’t appear as the head of the household? That’s monotoned and thin-thinking. It’s not her fault you’re uncomfortable in your own skin. God said we ARE the head of our house, not should be but are. So in light of that, we’ve got to become better leaders if we’re going to lead.  Why are you so threatened by her? Is it her emotional momentum that throws you off? It’s not her fault you are pressured by her emotions, it’s you who aren’t secure in yourself, and rather than you step up, you demand she step down. Is it possible she isn’t out of control, but you’re the one upset about things when you feel challenged in your masculinity? C’mon my friend, you’re the husband of one wife, a father, or at least a potential father, of children, and a soldier in the army of the Living God who is listening to hear Him breathe. i believe in you. God believes in you. But being a soldier and father shouldn’t oppose each other, in fact, one should help the other be a better leader. Stop using her as an excuse for your behavior.

And from another angle, years ago i was reminded by religious higher-ups in their quoting Ephesians 5:25-26,  “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” That’s the truth for sure, it is part of the husbands responsibility to give his life for his wife as Christ gave His for the church, but the unspoken part is that it’s her job to not take advantage of him, manipulating while he is laying down his life. Yet, again, this isn’t about her, it’s about you. YOU give up YOUR life, you are responsible.

Authority and influence are like man and wife. A verb needs an object to act on, making the noun the beautiful bride of the verb. The noun can stand alone but is always more beautiful and complete when the verb describes it, like a frame borders and supports a picture. Marriage of a man and a woman are like the marriage of authority and influence. The man is the authority and the woman is the influence. He has a verb in his middle and she has a noun in her middle, the man “cleaves”, “cleave” being a action verb in Genesis 2:24, and the woman “desires”, which, in this case, is a noun, Genesis 3:16.

Authority frames the beauty of righteous influence. Don’t you know she desires and literally runs after right authority, craves authority, loves to be under right authority, and is most comfortable when fully yielded and exposed to right authority. When a man and woman waltz, the man is like a frame, framing the picture, the woman. The woman is like a picture, made beautiful by her frame, the man. Rather than put your hands around her neck to control her, why don’t you be the one to stand up and be counted as honest and transparent, and grow her and your family like a man working to prosper them, not control them? Isn’t that fabulous idea?