Let’s get right to the topic this evening – my guess is there are a lot of people who incur offense at the hands of others, mostly from family, friends, and the occasional stranger – probably, the worst of offenses are aroused by someone close enough to us to really get under our skin. The closer the relationship, the more ridiculously easy it is for us to be offended and suddenly be faced with the wonderful opportunity to become a victim. Oooohhh, and haven’t many of us gotten good at playing our victim and martyr card.
Don’t get me wrong, there are millions of people in this world who are real, honest victims, right this very second, like, right now …. and all of us, at some point or another, large or small, long or short, will be victims of something which someone else set in motion. We like to talk about a “culture of honor”, a “culture of reward”, or a “culture of this-or-that”, but it’s almost as if our nation has also become a “culture of offense”, a “culture of fingerpointers”, and a “culture of victims and martyrs”. i think this nation is, generally, depressed. Consider how many people take sleeping pills just to fall asleep, anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications, and even additional medications to wake up and somehow live life in the drug haze which drives them. It’s a lot.
Friends, it isn’t possible that we are all victims, at least not all the time, not for everything, but yet multitudes use their victim credentials to prosper themselves or their agenda more than mature thinking and intellectual abilities.
It is amazing, that within the rank and file of the Body of Christ, how many are tempted to gain the approval of the people around them by playing our culture’s offense-taking game. Like the medical student in Oregon who was so offended by a joke, she had to take time off, claimed disability, and then began a law suit. Sometimes i think, if that’s all it takes to offend people so much that they crumble to the ground, then maybe they came to the table primed to be offended before they were ever offended….maybe they were the penultimate victim before they ever got there, just a willing victim on two legs, waiting for the offense to occur, because surely it will come if we wait long enough.
Offense and being a victim will bow us to the ground, and the weight of it all will bend us down so far we can hear our own backs crack under the weight of offense — and we haven’t even begun to talk about the contagiousness of offense or the victimology of holding an offense. Allowing it to continue in our hearts is like allowing rot to remain in our flesh, and doing nothing about it.
i’m Social Porter and this is Outposts, a semi-live broadcast from the late night cascading shores of the Ockluhwahhah River, where the trees gently lean over and every evening is pleasant. This is the fourth week of the month, meaning it’s ACOUSTIC Jazz night!
Let’s search our hearts tonight as we briefly begin the discussion about offense, in hopes that we’ll grow up and act like adults in the Kingdom of God, as opposed to being offended, acting out as victims and martyrs, and snurling our lip at each other. i’ll be right back.
Just because we don’t like something or we disagree with someone doesn’t necessarily cause us to sin, but living with offense does indeed wound our conscience and create distance between ourselves and God. For the remedy I quote Bob Newhart, “Stop It!” i’ll say it again for those who harbor offenses, “Stop it!” Ask yourself, “Why am i so offended? What’s at the heart of it?”
Yes, it’s true … we have the right to be offended and thus be a victim or martyr if we want to, that’s true. But where does all that go, to what end? Did it draw us closer to God? Why are so many of us seemingly so willing to carry a weight which is not ours to carry? Who required you to carry it? Wasn’t God? Mat11:28-30 “Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Do we think that’s only about the burdens of life, or about being discouraged or saddened? It’s also about not being offended and letting it settle in our pockets like a little sand that is completely at home right down at the bottom in the seam. At first offense is in the bottom of our pockets like a little lint. But over time, if allowed to remain, it seems to grow like fungus in the dark, and next thing you know your pockets are full of horrible things which were never intended to be there.
Offense sets in the craw of so many fellowships it has driven many to close their doors and terminate fruitful relationships. It is like pride … it will drive the laughter from our hearts, it will cause us to slit our eyes to see only what we want to see, cause our ears to hear only what we want to hear, and will change the song in our hearts to the braying of a donkey.
This is no small thing. We are offended at wrong doctrine, we are offended that someone d idn’t take our suggestions, we’re offended that leadership didn’t tell someone to be quiet, we’re offended because our friends tell us their boundaries in the event we are inappropriate, we’re offended if we aren’t given the ministry we think we should have, we’re offended if someone is honest with us, we’re offended if someone isn’t honest with us, we’re offended at what some people wear to church, or don’t wear to church. Often, we are even offended because someone is offended.
One time, i noticed the woman on my left was breathing hard and had a sneer on her face. Being adventurous, i whispered to her asking what was wrong. She whispered back saying with real venom and a sneer, “That woman over there! Just look at her shoes!” i casually looked and what i saw was a young woman wearing open toed high heels with a strap that criss-crossed around up her calves to just under her knee. i whispered to the woman, “What’s wrong with that?” She said with dripping contempt, “They’re hooker shoes! It’s just not right to wear shoes like that to church!!” i mean she was really upset and offended. i had to chuckle…..and then i laughed….and then she was offended at me too. Shortly, with contempt on her face, she left in a huff, glaring at the pastor and his wife, like they had anything to do with anything.
What’s really at the heart of offense? Can we be honest, transparent, and vulnerable enough to get to the root of our offense? It takes courage, honesty, and a willingness to resolve. And while we’re at it, why, oh why do we have such a difficult time being honest with ourselves about ourselves? i mean think about it. We tell ourselves all sorts of stuff that is just so complicated in the long run, when the truth would have been so much simpler.
Being offended seems to make it very much all about ourselves you know…it seems like a selfish way to dominate others…. the bottom line being to assert our personal power. If someone “makes” you mad, the truth is YOU are making the choice to be mad. If someone “makes” you feel inadequate, YOU are allowing it. Or if someone “makes” you feel dumb, YOU doubt yourself. How is it we allow anyone to be so powerful in our lives that they can, with only a few words, “make” us think that way about ourselves?
Here is a quote from David A. Bednar, “Certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally … false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.” We, the church, tell people we are rock solid, but it just seems like we are so available to hold an offense.
Maybe rather than think so much about why so-and-so is so offensive, it would be better to consider what it is within ourselves that causes us to have such resentful displeasure towards that person.
i was asked to do worship at a church once, and the pastor approached me saying, ““Please, just keep it calm and even, nothing over the top. We just don’t want to offend anyone.” Oh, so, that was it …. someone, somewhere might be offended. Well, what doesn’t at least offend somebody? Someone, somewhere is going to be offended about something, somehow so there is no point in trying to be so spineless and colorless that no one is offended.
A woman once told me that i breathed too loud and it really bothered her. She said, with all piousness, that she would be happier if i’d stop. i thought to myself, “Does she mean she’s offended if i breath and she’d be happier if i stopped breathing? Why did she feel it was so important that i know about her displeasure?” And that is another point: Why do we feel it is so important that we need to make sure the other person knows we are offended? Do we somehow think the person we have deemed offensive will suddenly say, “Oh, you are so right. i’m being very offensive and i need to stop.”???
Dick Cavet once wrote, “What is our obligation to those who are offended? What? To help them limit their suffering by avoiding all offense? With what advice?” Most of the time the person or persons we’ve taken offense with don’t even know they have done anything which offended anyone.
Mr. Cavet went on to say, “You could stay in the house, watch no TV, read nothing of any kind including potentially upsetting snail mail or e-mail, and you just might manage to glide through an offense-free day. No surly neighbor, no near-misses by unpunished, demented, sidewalk-riding cyclists, no cab driver letting other cabs in ahead of yours while distractedly nattering on his phone in some unknown language. Stay cocooned and you will risk no insults from rude waiters, no pain from gruff clerks, no snarls from any employees of United Airlines.”
Listen, being hurt is actually easier than being right. To prove we’re offended we just have to dig up some moral indignation and then stomp off in a justified indignant huff. But to prove we’re right we actually have to make arguments and use logic and gather evidence. Why debate theology or politics if you can win your audience by making the other person look mean and cruel?
And how has our culture of offense taught us to deal with offense? When i asked a man this question, he said, “We’ve learned to demand apologies and make snide, belittling remarks attacking the other person ….. often we demand apologies just because we can. It’s a way to shame those with whom we disagree. It forces the other person to admit failure or keep looking like a weasel while we figure a different way to make them pay. Even the weakest offense-taker can bully multitudes of intelligent men and women through the emotional manipulation that goes with offendedness.”
If any of us carries an offense and we’re like a cocked gun just waiting to go off, chances are the ease with which we’re offended dates back many years to something totally unrelated to the present offense. Oh bother….what will we do? We won’t get far with Jesus until we allow Him to seriously and consistently address our readiness to be offended.
Taking offense has become something of an unspoken right in our country. One fellow wrote that, “If you see something, anything, that strikes you as unsavory, take it as personally as possible and sound off as loud as you can.”
In John 5 there was a man laying by the pool of Bethesda, who had had a sickness or disease for a long time. It was the Sabbath and Jesus broke the law of the Pharisee’s by healing the man. As a result, the Pharisee’s were so offended that vs 16 says, “…therefore did the Jews persecute Jesus, and sought to kill him, because he had done these things on the sabbath day.” Not only did they persecute Him, but they looked for a way to kill Him. So offended they actually wanted to kill him. When Jesus said in vs 18, “My Father has been working until now, and I have been working”, they became so, SO offended, they worked even harder to kill him.
To “hold an offense” is a purposeful thing, it can be let go of, but somehow the one who is offended feels there is some payoff to not resolving the conflict. Ask yourself, “What is my payoff if i retain my offense?” If you can’t quite bring yourself to resolve it, what is the payoff? Is it personal power? Pride? What is it which constrains you?
In Luke 13:11 there was a woman who had an infirmity and was bent to the ground. Of course i take it literally that she had a debilitating condition, but it’s also a word used of “moral imperfection”, but the most common use is translated as “sickness”. But let’s see it another way. Could it be, as a metaphor for being bent under the weight of offense? There is nothing which actually says what, exactly, the problem was, but i would say regardless, she could possibly be viewed as a picture of how we look when we are willing to carry an offense around. Bowed to the ground, bent and all gnarled up, miserable, and discouraged. Is it really worth the burden? i say, if you don’t have to carry the burden, then lay it down. If you don’t have to go around like a cocked gun looking for ammunition for the purposes of simply needing to draw blood somehow, is it profitable?
i’ve decided over the years of dealing with my own offense-ready attitude that there are often four faces of offense: 1. Number of offenses: We might forgive some, but are not prone to forgive with much repetition. 2. The number of offenders. We may pardon one or a few, but the greater the number of offenders the less inclined we are to forgive. 3. Kind of offense: We limit or control what sort of offenses are forgiven. As long as it doesn’t cost us much and it would be to our advantage, we are mostly willing to forgive. And 4. The degree of offense: We’ll forgive an offense if it is small enough to not be of any injury to ourselves, but then that also depends on how sensitive we are and what mood we’re in. There are even what i call “Friends of Offense”, which are like pride, bitterness, or depression as examples. They come to visit but then won’t leave, and the more they stay, the more entrenched they become. Friends, the four faces of offense is a topic all in itself. The Lord bids us to let offense go, stop holding on to it as if you’re justified, when really, it is a vindictive, controlling spirit we are practicing, and there is no part of the Lord in that.
How have your own hasty actions and sharp words caused offense? Funny how when we act that way we justify to ourselves how the other person deserved what they got. At that, in the past, the Lord has posed me a question, “Who do you think you are? Who made you Holy Ghost Jr, that you do the very things others do, but they are offensive and you are justified?” Ouch! He was right, sometimes i do have the attitude, mercy for me and justice for you.
How have you been offended by peoples actions? Was it really them who did or said something to you that made you react with indignation and offense? Are other’s truly that powerful that they can make you react poorly? And after you react so very poorly, are you going to be responsible for your behavior, or will you do what some do which is “blow it off until it all blows up” and then with further indignation, question “how could this be happening to me?” or loudly say, “How dare you speak to me that way!”
It is my responsibility to not allow offense to find any traction in my heart or mind. It is my responsibility to call it what it is, and not rename my attitude with something a little softer sounding rather than being honest about what is really going on with me. It is my responsibility to work to resolve the issues. If you’re waiting for the other person to chase you down and ask why you’re offended and have removed yourself to a distance from them, you might very well be waiting a long time. You know, we can be honest and transparent, but if we’re not also vulnerable, then we’re still the brick wall we wish we weren’t. Without vulnerability, we are unavailable for anyone to speak into our lives.
Friends, there are too many things which have been left to stand which should have never been allowed to stand. If we build a wall to keep out offensive people, not only have we walled them out, but we have also walled ourselves in, and we must be brave to tear our barriers down. We need to be bridge builders, not fence makers. Now that does not supersede good boundaries, nor is it a reason to NOT defend ourselves from those who would harm us. There is a reason we lock our windows and doors, just like there’s a good reason we don’t allow some people in our lives. But if we do have fences, they need to be there for the right reasons, and excluding people because we are offended is NOT a good reason.
Understanding what is in our own heart and owning our attitudes and actions is a key to learning how to NOT be offended, afterall, unresolved conflict could easily lead to losing our direction with God. Look at Absalom, he was offended, he sowed strife and division, and led astray an entire group of people who were of the same mind …. his followers literally fed off of his critical and offended spirit. It wasn’t long before Absalom led a revolt to try and begin a kingdom which would be built on the foundation of offense. Hmmm, that’s ugly! How many churches have incurred a split born out of offense, and the offended ones went off to start another church, a church built on offense. Do we think that’ll work in the long run? And if it won’t work for a nation or a church, why do we think living with unresolved conflict will work for us? Think about it.
This has been a very pointed discussion, but a necessary one and i hope we’ll all take it to heart and think about how to resolve our offenses, some which seem so dear to us. Yes, that’s right, some of us have pet offenses which we seem to keep well watered and fed. Many of us even tuck our pet offenses in at night to make sure they are comfortable.
Ask yourself though, is God offended? If anyone in the universe ever had all the rights imaginable to be offended, it would have been Jesus. But rather than harbor offense, He died for our sins that we would have the power to cease carrying the burden of offense and the self-justification that comes in the door with it all.
Offense is like pride, it will drive the laughter from our hearts, it will cause us to slit our eyes to see only what we want to see, cause our ears to hear only what we want to hear, and will change the song in our hearts to the braying of a donkey.
i’m Social Porter and this has been Outposts, a semi-live broadcast from the late evening banks of the Ockluhwahhah River. This evenings production has been made possible by the generous people at Living In His Name Ministries, Area 22 Guitars, Tony and Daniele of McDowell Electric, Paul at International Tile, and Trinity Bakers where there’s always something good in the oven.
Drop your throwing stones and rest in Jesus, it’s much easier than carrying around the weight of offense, and it does have weight you know, an ever increasing weight. Let go man, resolve it and let it go! Today is a great time to begin the path of resolve! Drive carefully, and pray earnestly for your neighbor, and i’ll talk to you next time. There’s a big amen at the end there. So Amen.