There, at the end of my pencil point were letters and words, notes to myself and pictures of visions i had made to remind myself of what the Lord was saying or showing me. It was a very small intersection…there….where the point of the pencil met the paper, it was such a very small intersection yet it was the visible manifestation of what was happening in my head and heart, in all its rightness or wrongness, for better or worse. Sometimes it was just me being glad “out loud”, complaining “out loud”, being sad “out loud”, praying “out loud”…. believe it or not, that little point on the end of the pencil has volume, time, and even rhythm.
At the point of my pencil was me making history, and highly likely it was only the Lord and myself who could see, forever…. probably being the ONLY ones to see, but it was there, on the page never the less.
As the ideas unfolded, page after page, my eyes begin to see patterns to what God was getting at. But what, i often posed to myself, what exactly was the Lord getting at?
i loved the pictures i drew of a house as seen from the street….all neat with its clipped hedges, trimmed yard, manicured flower beds, swept driveway, freshly Windex’d storm door glass, and front porch chairs posed to look inviting….the fence line was even and the gate latched with pristine precision so as to not be too high or low, not too lose and not too tight. It was all just right. The lamps, as seen from the street through the windows were perfectly posed to give the appearance of home, peace, and tranquility.
That…vision….is how most of us hope or wish our houses look and it’s also how we hope and wish our calling was. i’m pretty sure everyone desires that when anyone drives by, looking at the front of our house, they’ll get the impression that the people who live there are as together as the outside of the house. It’s how most of us would like very much to appear to the world around us. As i thought about all that, the Lord posed me a question: “It’s a pretty picture, but is that really where you live and who you are?”
What is in your backyard, and Noooooo, i don’t mean your physical one necessarily, well, maybe a little, but the one which is unseen and unspoken of?… God is interested in our entire life, including what grows in our hearts where no one can see but Him.
i believe everyone has the potential for a beautiful backyard, even the worst of us. i say let us allow people in our backyards to see the green shoots of grace which grow there, not being afraid any longer of what might be seen or what others might think when they do see what’s back there….it is a call to everyone who is a believer.
Over many years of trying to think of “Who am i in the Kingdom of God and what do i do,” after personally interviewing many, many people, i’ve come to the conclusion that most of us really don’t know how to describe ourselves, nor do we know much about what we do.
It was mentioned in the last program that because most of us can’t quite place ourselves in a “church-recognized and religiously sanctioned” function, somehow we think we are less….do you know what i mean? It bears saying again, just because you have a different calling doesn’t mean you have a lesser calling.
One day about 6 years ago, i was sitting with a friend, both being between appointments, eating our lunch and revelating a bit. He asked me, “Who do you think you are in the Kingdom of God?” Instantly, through my mind went a string of rebukes, commands to don’t even go there, “stop thinking these things”, and a strong sense that if i answered in a positive manner i would be proud and arrogant, and you know, “pride goes before a fall”….watch out! Be careful! Just – Don’t! My heart was filled with such conflict i couldn’t hardly answer. He noticed my sputtering and halting so he encouraged me again, “Ok, all possibilities of pride and arrogance aside, ‘cause i know your heart, just put it out there come hell or high water. Who do you think you are in the Kingdom and what do you do?” Ugh! Man, this was hard. i continued to sputter and pop and really avoid any sort of coherent reply. He asked, “Well, do you think you’re an apostle?” i nearly hissed at him that he would even suggest such an elevated position! i said, while staring at the floor, “The Lord has used me to plant more than a few things which are still going, but no, i don’t think i’m that person.” In my head were visions of overly large heroes of the faith with a little bitty stick figure of myself standing next to them….nope, i didn’t measure up. He asked, “Do you think you’re a prophet?” i sputtered and popped, terrified to answer….now turning my head completely away from him to stare out the window, but said, “The Lord has given me a prophetic gift that works when i wish it wouldn’t and doesn’t work when i wish it would, but i….but….well, ‘er, ummm…you know…” In my mind loomed other large heroes of the faith and an even smaller, itty bitty, three fingered, googley eyed stick figure of myself next to them…nope, didn’t measure up again. This went on and on, we were obviously not getting anywhere because i didn’t see myself fitting any of the “church-sanctioned” commonly accepted titles or recognized “Kingdom models” of identity….in my vision i only saw myself as a little, three-fingered, googley eyed, toothy grinning stick figure.
Then he said, mercifully, “Let’s turn it around then, who do you think you’re NOT?” Immediately, i had my hands on stacks of data i had gathered, and out of my mouth i heard myself say, “Oh, that’s easy, i know a lot about who i’m not.” BAM! In the brilliant NOW of the moment i said those words, the Lord posed me a very piercing question, He said, “How is it you know so much about what you don’t, and can’t, and won’t, and so little about what you do, and can, and will….how is it you know so little about who I say you are?”
i was so afraid of believing who God said i was. i was afraid others might not agree with what i saw of myself and publicly embarrass me. i was afraid of failing to actually live up to someone’s expectation of who i presented myself to be. i was afraid of appearing arrogant. i was afraid that what i saw of myself was just a lie i’d told myself because i needed to be “somebody” really bad. i was afraid i didn’t fit the church-sanctioned role of what a spiritual gift was, making who i saw myself as, invalid….. again. i was afraid i wouldn’t be squeaky clean enough, therefore i wouldn’t be seen as actually sanctified by the “powers of authority” in my church family. Afraid is the common word in all of that, therefore i did nothing and saw myself as nothing, doing nothing, and going nowhere, that was the safest place it seemed….yet somehow i still had a burning desire to be used of the Lord and to know Jesus. Can you say “cognitive dissonance”?
Over time, i’ve asked people those same questions which my friend offered to me….and do you know?…. i have gotten the same sort of replies from men and women from one side of this country to the other. We are not sure how to think of or describe ourselves, and it feels like a real identity crisis…..it’s as if we’ve been taught to be afraid to think well of ourselves but to also regret our negative internal narrative, creating, yet another cognitive dissonance. We want to step up and out as the Lord would ask but we are truly terrified someone will see all the junk we keep hidden in our backyard; we fear they’ll see that the pristine front yard doesn’t match the shipwrecks hidden in the back yard….
They might see the old sagging boxes of ideas that didn’t work right; strings and strings of old burned-out Christmas tree lights which shined for the wrong reason; they might see the never replied-to well-wishing cards, just burned-up ground, just char going near and far, and a little Dr. Suess here, they may see the old hope-a-lumps which moved in from the dumps, the 3-legged hashlets, 4-eyed tagets, and a line of dirty old dancing rats….and let’s not forget the aging broken cars which never went far, all hidden in the backyard…… and if people go into our secret spaces, we believe that somehow….somehow.. everyone will know, we are not whom they thought we were.
Friends, God has another view entirely. Just because we have a different calling doesn’t mean we have a lesser calling. When we hide and build fences, it hinders our forward movement and our being able to come into the destiny God has for us. Secrets build fences, and confession builds bridges.
Now, don’t you know, we can count on the truth that in Christ, everyone has a calling. Ephesians 4:1-3, “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
That is how you do your calling. Not with big-chested declarations but with all humility, gentleness, patience, and bearing with one another in love. Let me encourage us all, just because we don’t know what our calling is by name, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It is highly likely Paul wrote the letter to the Ephesians while he was in prison in Rome, but while the man was in prison for the faith, he was still talking to other believers about their calling and how to do it.
i knew of a fellow, who after many years, came to the conclusion that his calling was to be, as he said, “a little brown piece of paper that goes where ever the wind blows, and every now and again, someone picks it up to see what is written on it.”
i know another guy who says his calling is to be like a tow truck, ‘cause he’s got a real knack for showing up when people need a tow.
Many of us, so many ask, “What is my ministry? Please pray for me.” i want to say it again, from the moment you step out your door every day, you are in your ministry. Every day you have the opportunity to be gentle with people. Every day you have the opportunity to be kind and patient. i don’t know what to call that, but it is a calling to be the person who does such things. You may not believe all that goes far, but i think you’d be so surprised to learn that even a phone call to tell someone you were thinking of them and wondered if they needed anything, lifts the hearts of someone you may not know is feeling tired and downtrodden. Every day is an opportunity to exercise God’s values….there’s a calling right there. Visit with people, it is the gospel in motion to bring a little peace and sanity to the lives of others.
Letting others into your backyard is brave to many folks. When we hear the testimony of someone at an alcoholics anonymous meeting, we may think they are being brave to tell about the things in their lives which were hidden from sight… and many times their rigorous honesty makes others uncomfortable. But in all their tragedy, they have learned that secrets build fences and confession builds bridges. When i’ve told my testimony, it is surprising the people who come afterward and tell me what a brave person i am to reveal those things of myself. Oddly, i don’t consider it brave, i consider it a testimony of God’s grace and redemption, it is glorious, but for them to reveal those sorts of things of themselves is truly terrifying. i want people to see the green shoots of grace growing in my backyard. I want people to see the catastrophes which the Lord has turned into beautiful flowers, iwant them to see the cataclysmic calamity of my life which the Lord has turned into the blooming trees which smell like God’s cologne growing in my backyard. It is one way we give people hope.
Everyone has a backyard, and everyone has stuff hidden away. Everyone has a few secrets, and the older you get the more potential secrets there may be. Until we deal with our hidden things, which cause us such conflict, we can go get deliverance and Sozo until the cows come home, but at some point, we’re going to have to deal with the things which constrain us which brought us to needing deliverance in the first place.
Merriam-Webster defines a “calling” as: “…a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence.”
i believe entering into my calling in Christ is directly connected to how i tend what’s not easily seen in my backyard. Learning to participate with God in my own restoration, redemption, calling, and salvation is not something that happens overnight. The Lord desires we participate with Him in what He’s doing. One wonderful point Henry Blackabby makes in “Experiencing God” is that we should ask the Lord to show us where He’s working, and join Him there.
What is behind our house, where we really live in our hearts is far more what defines us than the facade we pose for others to see.
For me and millions of others, how we see ourselves, for real, is somehow reflected in how we see the Lord. The question, “Why do we have such a hard time letting God be good to us?” is not an easy question to answer, not because the answers are hard to find, but because it requires rigorous honesty that most seem unwilling to practice.
We want very much to come into our calling, but what if our calling starts with us resolving our internal conflicts, or at least walking in that direction? What if it starts with us embracing our shadows and learning to let people into our lives enough where we can not only laugh with joyful hearts together but weep with broken hearts together…..?
To begin cleaning up our backyard, let your mouth tell the story of your bruised conscience, the loss of love for righteous things, and how your flesh has given power over your spirit. Open your mouth and let it out. Let us move in the direction of restoration by unshackling ourselves from our shame and disappointment. Open your mouth and tell it. Do you want to know more clearly what your calling is? The more we clean up our hidden things, the more obvious the green shoots of grace will be, and the more obvious the green shoots of grace and flowers of mercy are in us, the more clarity we will have….day by day, the vision of where we’re going will become more apparent.
James 5:16, “Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with.”
In Gen3 a sequence of events took place which changed the course of mankind forever. In the opening scene, the serpent tries to put words in Eve’s mouth by asking her if it was true that God said they couldn’t eat of ANY tree in the garden. Eve replied that God did not say that, but she did add to what the Lord said, saying, they could eat of any tree except the one in the middle, and, here’s the part she added…. that they couldn’t even TOUCH it because they would die. The serpent throws doubt at the woman saying, “Oh, you won’t die! Tsk! He just doesn’t want you to be like Him, almighty, and aall-powerful” The serpent implied to the woman that somehow, God was holding out on her, and evidently, she was game to hear it. When the Lord asked Adam why they did what they did, Adam blamed Eve saying it was the woman’s fault, you know, the one YOU gave me. Then the Lord asked Eve a similar question, Eve said, “Oh, the snake deceived me, wasn’t me, wasn’t me! ….and the rest is history. But here’s what i’m getting at: Adam and Eve became convinced their way was better than God’s, AND, a big AND there, not only did they not take responsibility for their actions, but they blamed someone else….in the midst of it all they became so self-conscious, that they hid themselves, and then tried to justify and defend their position. Are we any different today? Interview inmates at prison….you’ll hear basically the same premise over and over….interview folks in churches, yes churches, and even there you’ll hear the same idea…. wasn’t me, wasn’t me, and “If they hadn’t done thus and such then i wouldn’t have done this and that.” Still hiding, still afraid someone will discover we are not all we declare, all the while, missing the part that God has a greater destiny for us than we’ve imagined and He is truly good, all the time.
In vs 9, when God asked, “Where are you?”, He didn’t mean a geographical location, He meant where are you in your heart, like saying, “What’s with you man?! Who’s side are you on!” The emphasis in the question wasn’t a pleasant, even tone. God didn’t need to know where they were in their hearts, as if He was perplexed, He wanted Adam and Eve to search their own heart so THEY would know where they stood and to comprehend the repercussions of their actions. It was not a good day in paradise, but God already had a plan to redeem things, and restore the Kingdom.
i believe many in the church today are so self-conscious and feel so ineffective, they try to present a good face in order to get along, but in the place where they really live, about 3” below the surface of their presentation face, the picture of themselves is similar to how i saw myself all those years ago….like a little stick man, with a round head, eight stick fingers, six stick toes, and a toothy, goofy grin.
God says if we’ll repent, if we’ll be responsible for our actions, if we’ll let our secrets out of the backyard and allow the planting of the Lord to bloom, our calling will come into view, and we will have the fellowship with the Lord as we have dreamed was possible…. but as long as we’re still keeping secrets and building fences, coming into your calling is inhibited and restrained….eventually, hiding makes going forward a near impossibility. Consider: What is it that constrains you? Think about it.
1 John 1:3, “that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ.”
In our fellowship with Christ, the Son of God, our role in Kingdom events will gain clarity. You may think that facilitating worship in music and song for a little home group somewhere is, in your mind, “less than”…i can assure you that is not true. Just because you have a different calling doesn’t mean it is a lesser calling. Maybe your heart was to make records and hit the road, or maybe the dream was that everyone would want you to come to their church to lead them in glorious worship music and go on “world tour”. Is, hidden in your backyard, a desire to be fabulous, amazing, recognized and great? Is it possible, this thing hidden in the back, this secret desire, could it be something that restrains your entire life? i can not begin to recount to you the number of very talented young people who come to Christian music producers, not saying “i want to share Jesus with the world and have a burning passion for the gospel,” but instead from their mouths comes “How soon can i make a record”, “How much does it pay”, and “How soon can i go on the road.”
Let us do what is in front of us. God is using us to be like the point of a pencil on paper. Each of us is writing our story every day in the world around us through our honesty, our kindness, or extension of grace….through our hope, and…when we let people in our backyard, no longer fearing that they will see our shipwrecks and old junk, more importantly, they will also see the green shoots of grace which tell the story of our redemption and restoration.
If we don’t deal with the stuff hidden behind our metaphorical houses, the world will probably never see the green shoots of grace growing there because we are too self-conscious to allow them up close to us. Let the hidden things go and instead of seeing them as an embarrassment, see them as testimonies of God’s great deliverance, mercy, and power. What if Adam and Eve had acted responsibly, owned their actions and repented? How do you think that would have changed things today?
But that’s not what happened, and here we are. Let people see what God has done in your life, be a bright light with all power. Philippians 2:14-15, “Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,” Let your light shine up close and personal into the eyes of a world which desperately needs Jesus.
Our lives are like the point of a pencil, making letters and words which represent the heart of God, making history. Our lives paint pictures for others to see, make sounds of music and write God-words on our windows where people can look into who we are. You, who are believers, are writing and the world is watching and reading. Invite them up close and personal to observe God’s salvation in your life. Let them in.
Be strong and courageous. Friends, it’s time to get down to business with God. Until we meet again…Amen, and amen.
